I must admit that I do enjoy the fact that no one really knows about this small, insignificant, place on the web that I have claimed as my own. It allows me a certain degree of freedom that I am not afforded in other places. Here, I am allowed to be myself; i am allowed to drop all pretenses that everything is going well and be myself. Here is one of the few places where I am allowed to be honest with myself.
I can admit things such as displeasure with Seattle. It has nothing to do with the city itself, but rather the situation I find myself in. I can admit my increased dependence on old friends such as Jack and Morgan or new friends such as Spire, Strongbow and Crispin. There is little fear of reprisal or having to assuage too many hurt feelings or distraught thoughts over my well being. There are a few that may stumble upon my ramblings here from time to time, but hopefully they know me well enough that any information here shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise. If it does, then perhaps the channels of communication aren’t as open as they should be. Or it could be that they do as I and try to ignore those things that induce uncomfortable feelings.
Love the one you’re with, or so the lyrics go. In my time here in Seattle, I am finding that to be easier said than done. The major fallacy in such logic is that it assumes that there is someone for you to be with in lieu of the one you love. Unfortunately, I do no have that luxury. I tried by way of a dog, but I am not a dog person and I have no patience for dogs. I much prefer the demeanor of cats, as fickle as they may be, and my lifestyle did not mesh well with a small creature that constantly sought validation for its existence. Now the dog is doing much better in the place I wish I were, no longer subject to my changing moods or strict discipline. So I am back to being alone, and still unhappy with the situation that I now find myself in. But thinking that a dog could fill the void that often forms when I find myself alone was a mistake on my part. Lucky for me, the one I love is a dog person and the one that I really purchased the dog for, following the loss of her family pet. He isn’t a perfect replacement, but I do feel validated in the purchase in seeing the joy he brings to both hers and her mother’s life, despite the fact that her mother is some 1700 miles away.
So what is a person, suffering from bipolar disorder, to do in such a situation. I could turn to random strangers – by way of craigslist – to fill the void, as I’ve had no success making any real connections with my peers. Or I could turn to the bottle and reacquaint myself with my friends Daniels and Morgan, loosing myself in research and other unmentionables. It isn’t a very satisfying existence, but in the absence of anyone to talk to or connect with, we have to make due with what we have. And I figured I should do so while I can before I decide to return to the medications that I’ve not felt I needed until I found myself revisiting dark places better left forgotten.